Mad Darby Diaries

Christmas didn't quite turn out as planned.  My son slipped two discs and couldn't drive from Bulgaria and sadly we had to carry on without him, my daughter in law and granddaughter.  Skype is good but doesn't replace having your family in the house.  I went to pick up another son from Nantes and on the way back 2 of my tyres blew out.  I mean what are the chances?  It was dark, raining and when I phoned the insurance company she wanted to know my exact location.  In a village on the D957 doesn't hack it apparently.  'Can you locate yourself on your phone or a GPS?' she asked, oblivious to the fact that my GPS needed replacing years ago and can barely tell me that I live in France let alone direct a breakdown truck.  As for my phone well there my incompetence comes into play.  She said she would hold on while I locate myself on the phone.  I don't know how you do that.  I can 'locate myself' if I ring off first.  I gave up and...

Every year the post lady comes with her calendars and I dutifully buy one.  They are actually quite useful.  This year however something has changed.  On the page where the gaily coloured flags of the European Union are displayed, one is missing.  Did the La Poste have inside information about the election, were they eerily confidant that the UK would leave this year or is it that they can't wait to get rid of us?  Who knows?  The French love the British flag and you see it adorning t shirts, bags, luggage, even the backside of jeans, although that may have other connotations that have nothing to do with love. An old golfing friend sent an e mail asking for my new address.  She couldn't believe that I am still living in the same place even though several years have passed since I moved to this house.  Not that I haven't been tempted many times to just up sticks and b......... off.  This year I believe is the year, I just have to figure out...

People ask some really weird questions when you live on your own.  The conversation goes like this,  'Do you eat every day?'  'Of course, don't you?'  'Yes but I cook for two of us, it must be difficult to find the motivation to cook for yourself.'   Another is 'don't you find your house a bit big for you on your own?'  Well let's think about this.  Whether you are a single person or a couple you use the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, bathroom and bedroom.  (well most couples use one bedroom).  One woman said in response to this observation,  'Well my husband has a study as well.'  Oh heaven forbid if a woman has a study or an office.  A man was complaining about the cost of living.  'It is worse for us because we  pay for 2 people.'  Give me strength.  The chances are the household bills are the same, taxes are the same, heating is the same and YOU HAVE TWO INCOMES. I have been laid up w...

You pay a premium to sit in the seats by the emergency doors on planes, where there is a lot of legroom.  Hence, no-one pays, or hardly anyone, so the seats are invariably empty.  All the passengers were in their appropriate seats on Thursday when I flew Ryanair from the UK to Poitiers when the stewardess approached.  I was sitting in the aisle seat, a tall man occupied the middle seat and a small man had the window seat.  Our row was behind the emergency exit row which was empty. 'Would you gentlemen like to sit in the emergency row?' the stewardess asked.  'Yes' they said in chorus.  I stood up to let them out and found myself looking down on the heed of the small man.  'You didn't ask me'  I said to the stewardess.  'We ask the men because they are taller and have longer legs', she replied.  'But that's not true is it?' I said looking pointedly at the small man.  She shrugged her shoulders and walked away.  I sat back in ...

I was living in New York when President had impeachment proceedings begun against him.  I remember clearly the Republicans using the same language as they are today, lame excuses and downright untruths to try to paint him as whiter than white.  Nixon came on the television and looking straight at the camera said he was not lying to the American people.  My Republican friends believed him but I said it was obvious he was not telling the truth, it showed in his face apart from the evidence, but they wouldn't have it.  He was the President and wouldn't dare lie to the people.  How wrong they were.  The situation is similar today in that the Republicans are up to the same antics, distraction, aggression and wearing blinkers to the real issue and the facts.  The difference so far is that we know Trump is lying because he lies all the time and this has been proved over and over again.  In the seventies the Senators gradually came to grips with dealing ...

I had an appointment at the dentist at 9.30am.  I was there at 9.25am.  The 9.45am appointment arrived at 9.40am.  The 10.00am appointment arrived and at 10.05am the 10.15am appointment arrived.  At 10.15 the dentist called me in.  When I made the appointment for my next visit I asked if I could have the first appointment of the day.  '9.30am,' the receptionist said.   'My appointment today was 9.30am but I wasn't seen until 10.15am when 4 other people had arrived,' I ventured to say.  'And your point is Madam?' she asked.  Nonplussed I said, 'Why?'  She sighed and explained as though I was 5 years old.  'He never sees anyone before 10.15.' 'So can I turn up at 10.15 for my 9.30am appointment?'  I asked.  'No, because if you do you will be charged as a no-show.' I am hopeless with names.  Even though I repeat them as I am being told, they disappear immediately into the atmosphere.  On Sunday I turned up a...

I live in a hamlet.  Nothing happens here apart from the occasional chicken escaping so it was somewhat bewildering when I suddenly heard a very large bang, which shook the house so much I thought something must have driven into it.  As I opened the front door a military jet flew over so I decided it must have gone through the sound barrier, a familiar noise in my childhood when testing of breaking the sound barrier was a frequent occurrence along the south coast of England.  I glanced into the road and saw my neighbours' large,  white, furry dog standing in  the middle of the street.  'Not again,'  I muttered to myself as I went out to try and persuade it to move.  With no collar it is difficult to push an extremely heavy dog where he doesn't want to go but I tried.   It was then that we were covered, and hidden, by a huge black cloud of smoke, which seemed to silently creep over and between the houses and continued along the street....

I would like a euro for the number of times I heard my mother say 'My head will never save my legs.'  Now as I get to the top of the stairs and can't remember what I came up for I find myself muttering the same phrase.  Yesterday I was coming down the stairs carrying a pair of trousers, a cup and a needle and cotton reel.  Halfway down I realised I had forgotten the button which needed sewing on the trousers.  As I turned around to retrace my steps everything went flying, including me.  I picked myself up, checked that arms and legs were in good shape and recovered the trousers from the floor.  The cotton reel had bounced down the stairs and rolled across the floor (more elegantly than I had done) but the needle, which had been with it had disappeared.  I searched everywhere but a needle on white tiles is not easy to find.  I got down on my hands and knees, searching and feeling but I couldn't find it.  I shone the flashlight to no avail....

On principle I do not look back but this morning the woman with whom I was playing tennis made me do just that.  She asked if I could get her some 'orlik'.  It took some time for me to figure out that she was asking for 'Horlicks'.   I barely remember its existence so how come a French person is familiar with this strange item?  I have never had Horlicks but I believe it is some sort of drink.  Apparently Fabienne was given it when she did a school exchange many years ago.  I asked someone in the UK if it still exists and the reply was, 'didn't they give it to wounded soldiers in the first world war?'  Monsieur Toutee's chickens got out again this morning so being a good neighbour I went out to help.  I scuttled after them ineffectively trying to capture one in my arms.  I was useless.  Whenever I got my arms round one it simply flapped its wings and flew out of them.  After several attempts I decided I was more use stopping...

Yesterday I joined the walking group at 8.30am for our weekly walk.  We go about 9km and it takes us about an hour and a half to two hours.  (They are not fast) After all the kissing on both cheeks for everyone (about 20 of us) I mentally added another half hour to my morning.  Suddenly everyone started jumping in cars and at the urging of someone I jumped in too.  'Where are we going?' I asked.  'Thouars. we are going to walk around Thouars.'  And so we did.  We walked and walked and walked.  We scrambled down banks and climbed up steps, inspected railway buildings, long time abandoned, strolled along the river and  admired the views.  I looked at my watch.  12.30pm.  Where had the morning  gone?  At the top of yet another slope the leader of our group tried the door of an old church but it was firmly locked.  Ah, I thought, we are nearly back to the cars so with luck I should be home by 1.00pm, two and a half ...

I cycled to the village shop this morning.  Standing in front of me in the queue to pay were two children, a boy and a girl about 8 or 9 years old.  They were each holding a can of orange drink.  The lady in front of them suddenly spotted the cans and began lecturing them on how bad all canned drinks are for one's health.  The children stood quietly listening to this tirade until the boy meekly said, 'I didn't know' but still standing his ground clutching the can.  The lady turned to the rest of us in  the shop and said someone should tell their mothers.  I kept my counsel while one or two others nodded in agreement.  The children didn't seem to be intimated at all, they remained quiet and polite.  The lady bent down and kissed both children on each cheek and warned them to mind her words.  She paid and left.  The boy and girl paid for their drinks and departed but not before grabbing some chocolate from the shelf and paying for th...

On Saturday I participated in a tournament at our club.  I had to play 4 matches.  The player closest to my age was 20 years younger  and there were 16 of us.  We began at  8.30am and by the time I played the fourth match my toes hurt from all the running and pressure on my trainers.  The rest of me was in good shape and I survived the day coming in 7th place, but it was a long day.   I arrived  home at 8.00pm tired after a 12 hour day and having to speak French all day had increased my feeling of having had a good work out.  At home I soaked in a bath and felt fine, congratulating myself on still being able to compete with the best of the them. Sunday morning I woke up feeling like a truck had run over me,  I went downstairs walking like the geriatric that I am and wondered if I could make it back up to my bed.  After consideration I decided that I could drink my tea quite comfortably downstairs.  I checked my toes, 2 ...

I played a home tennis match today against a team from Niort so it was down to us to give them breakfast and lunch.  During lunch all 7 players talked at the same time so it was almost impossible to follow the conversation.  It wasn't that 2 people were talking to each and another three doing the same thing.  They were all participating in the same subject but simultaneously.  How do they manage to listen to each other?  Perhaps they don't.  To make it worse they were all, without exception, talking with their mouths full of food.  A cardinal sin in my book and very unpleasant to witness.  I was just about to help myself to some pate when the woman sitting opposite stuck her knife in her mouth, then plunged it into the pate.  Another cardinal sin - putting one's knife in your mouth, and even worse then using it to cut food that others are sharing.  I may be fussy but it just puts me off my food.  I gave up and went to put the coffe...

I am losing my past.  The friends and family who shared that past and my memories are disappearing until I find myself only being in contact with people I have met in the last few years.  My past is like the writing on a chalk board being erased line by line until it is gone.  I lost my last contact with my childhood yesterday when I visited a friend I have had since we were five years old.  Somehow we have managed to keep in touch even though our lives took completely different paths but yesterday when I visited she had disappeared into the realms of dementia, lost in a world that her family and friends do not belong to. My disappearing past is my own fault.  I have moved so many times, made good, close friends and then lost touch with them when I have moved on.  Never one to look backwards, I now have no choice but to look forwards.  To what I wonder?  Well first of all hopefully to the demise of Trump, to a Brexit deal so that I can keep my ...

I drove to the ferry a couple of weeks ago and stopped in a service station, not one with petrol and shop, just toilets and picnic tables.  As I stood munching on my ryvita and cheese, followed by an apple, I watched the French unload their lunch.  Out came tablecloths, real cutlery, china plates and serviettes, bowls of fresh salad, cheese, ham and the proverbial bread and wine.  Yes they know how to travel in style.  I read a book once about the British and French armies in North Africa.  The British sat down any old place with a tin filled with corned beef while the French army set up tables, cutlery and all the trimmings and even candelabra.  Well at least they seem to have ditched the candelabra. My son, my sister and I went to Spain for a few days.  It was challenging.  My sister is terrified of everything that involves travel and technology, even putting a train ticket in the barrier to get in and out of a station defeated her.  She...

I give up trying to understand what is going on in the heads of the politicians in the UK - on all sides of the spectrum.  They all voted to trigger Article 50 so I assume they all agreed to respect the result of the referendum.  I could understand why no-one wanted the Irish backstop as negotiated by Theresa May but since then the whole situation has changed.  We have people who want no-deal, those who don't, and others who want a withdrawal agreement but refuse to sign it.  Corbyn has been pushing for a General Election for months and now says he won't agree to one.  And does anyone in Parliament actually care what the people think?  I know that to the rest of the world, the UK has slid into a democratic abyss from which I am not sure it can recover.  It is difficult to even support or agree with one side or the other when they keep changing their minds every five minutes.  I say sack the lot of them, put a toddler in charge and he or she can p...

I was persuaded to play in the tournament this week before realising that it was going to be played on clay, my least favourite surface, and the temperatures are in the mid to high thirties.   I received the days and times on my phone.  My first match was today at 12 noon!  What idiot plays tennis at 12 noon?  Well I do apparently.  I began well, winning the first 3 games against a much better and younger player than me, but then the sun beating down got to me.  The heat I can deal with but the sun is unbearable, even wearing a hat. I ended up losing the first set, when we actually sat down for a few minutes.   When I stood up I could feel my shorts were soaking wet, cold wet, not sweat wet, although they were that too.  I  had sat on my towel, which the water bottle  had leaked all over, and I hadn't even noticed.  This was not just damp shorts.  I resumed play with water running down my legs.  It could have ...

I had a visit from a lady from the garbage department yesterday.  Apparently they are visiting all properties in the commune to explain the new system.  She brought with her 2 bins, one black and one yellow and she stuck a code on the black one.  The yellow one is for plastic only, she explained.  Paper and bottles will be put in the recycling bins at the edge of the village and the black one is for ordinary household waste. The collection will be once a fortnight and I can't leave the black bin out unless it is full.  When I am here on my own that could take a long time.  'In summer that could be a problem,'  I ventured to say, but she said 'here is your ID card.  If the garbage starts to smell take it to the garbage centre and show your ID.'  Then without even blinking or pausing for breath she added, ' You will receive the bill for the garbage collection twice a year.'  What?  'You mean I have to pay for this new system?' I as...

I have been walking with a local group for three weeks and each time the walk has been followed by a celebration of someone's birthday.  I ducked out of the first two but it would have been churlish not to have stayed today as the birthday girl had made cheesy things especially for me.  They are a jolly bunch of walkers and cyclists and on the wall of the community centre where we meet up there is a list of everyone's birthday.  They have established that I am older than most of them but no-one has actually asked for the date of my birthday yet.  How long can I avoid this do you think?  It is most likely that even if they register it there is a good chance of it being forgotten with the New Year celebrations.  Am I being optimistic?  I hope not. The battery of my mobile phone runs out in 3 minutes so I have concluded that it must be kaput.  I went to buy another one.  The cost was so high that a new phone would have cost less. The doctor...

I am one of those people who arrives early or on time.  I plan my journeys to allow for unexpected things happening.  Last Sunday I drove to Charles de Gaulle airport and stayed in the Ibis in Terminal 3 because my flight was the next morning.  There is a shuttle running between the terminals and it takes 5 minutes to get to Terminal 2 from Terminal 3.  What could go wrong?  Well everything as it turns out. The platform for the shuttle was more crowded than usual because apparently there was a 'minor'  technical problem.  I couldn't get on the first train as I was pushed aside by bigger people with even bigger suitcases.  I nearly got on the second train but as my foot stepped on a man trod on it and took my place.  There were no airport employees to control the crowd so like Lord of the Flies, the smaller  and weaker people were overcome by stronger and younger ones.  I wasn't worried about the time, I had plenty of it.  Wh...

With all the turmoil of Brexit and more mass killings in the US, let alone North Korea missiles, trade wars and typhoons, it is nice sometimes to just meet up with friends and have a cup of coffee, a chat and watch the world go by.  This morning a group of us were sitting in the square in the heart of the bustling market doing just that when suddenly one of our group, who is in his late eighties started to shout very loudly in English at a German (although there is a certain mystery surrounding his nationality.)  The man was going red in the face, while the German kept repeating 'you are wrong, I will prove it to you.'  The French lady sitting next to me leaned back in her chair, aghast as the rest of us fell silent.  On any other day our group  would have attracted attention but the square was noisy and full of people.  The old man picked up his stick as though to strike the German,  thankfully just waving it round as an aid to making his point....

I sat in a cafe in Saumur this morning with a group of French and English friends and there was a discussion about the word ancien, which in French can mean old or former, depending on whether it comes before or after the noun.  In English 'ancient' just means old, said one English person.  'Like us you mean,' I said. One suggested that we weren't old but the new middle age but as I pointed out I now have a son who is 50 and he is supposed to be the new middle age and we can't both be middle aged.  The conversation went back and forth until one confused French man said I thought ancient in English meant medieval or older.  Yes, well, I suddenly felt I fitted the bill. I cycled to the shop in the village and asked them if they had any green bananas.  She said, 'no, we aren't getting any until you have eaten all the ripe ones.'  I bought apples.

It was hot in  France, a canicule, in French and that means very high, sustained heat day and night.  My family have been here for 2 weeks so things have been a bit busy, and hot.  I don't mind heat.  I have lived in countries far, far hotter than 40 degrees and I know what to do when it is hot.  I quickly gave out my years of gathered experience to my family to ensure that their stay was a comfortable one.  So why would I choose on 2 occasions during the canicule to cook dishes that required putting on the oven?  Am I mad or what? Meanwhile my son, also clearly forgetting all the rules of what to do in the heat, suggested that maybe his choice of black shirt and jeans was not a good one when he travelled to work on the underground in a heatwave.  Mmm.  Well madness runs in the family. In the UK they were suffering from traffic chaos as usual whilst in France things were jogging along nicely.  If the temperature does not stay contai...

I saw a walking/cycling group advertised in the next village so I decided to go along.  It was a hot day but starting the walk at 8.30am I figured it wouldn't be too bad.  I introduced myself, dutifully kissed everyone, even though they were complete strangers (doesn't seem to matter in France) and asked how far they walked.  10 km was the answer.  As we were about to set off the cyclists turned up, males and females equal in number.  A further delay was made while we all kissed the cyclists.  I turned round at a tap on my arm to find an extremely tiny lady and of a very certain age, peering  up at me waiting to be kissed on both cheeks.  I bent double to reach her as the top of her head came to just above my waist.  She then put on a cyclist's helmet, climbed on what looked like an enormous bike but was actually of regular size and went off with the other riders.  'How does she ride that bike?'  I asked, 'she is  so small.'...

I have returned home after 5 weeks in the UK and my house has once more been invaded.  There were ants everywhere as I walked through the front door but this time they were in the kitchen as well so my first hour was taken up with eliminating them as best I could.  This morning I scrubbed and wiped all the surfaces with white vinegar and fingers crossed they have gone somewhere else.  In the dining room there were 2 very large, dead beetles and in the courtyard a dead baby bat and two dead baby birds, ejected from the nest up in the eaves.  Needless to say there is bird muck everywhere.  The hydrangea is virtually dead as the people who were supposed to water it and keep the garden under control clearly haven't been near the place.  I have demanded my key and money back.  Happy days. Meanwhile the UK Ambassador to the USA is being unfairly criticised for doing his job.  Jeremy Hunt quickly said that it was just the Ambassador's personal opinion...

My daughter in law is working overseas for 2 weeks, in fact she has been working for a month and so has left the care of my grandson to me.  I love looking after him and it poses no difficulties whatsoever.  The thing that does give me a problem is that I have been left in charge of plants.  I can kill a plant just by looking at it and my heart sinks when I see a well meaning guest approaching with a nice, healthy plant in their hands.  I know it will be dead before the week is out.  ' Just water them' are the instructions but that very order is fraught with dilemmas.  How often?  How much water?  When do I water them?  What about the plants in the greenhouse?  Did she say leave the door open or closed?  Why didn't I write the instructions down instead of simply nodding feeling slightly bored with the subject?  Children are easy to care for, plants a nightmare. My son's neighbour called round the other day to say she was goi...

A couple of weeks ago the local carnival in my son's very small town took place.  It was only the schools that took  part but there were lots of floats made by staff, parents and pupils and the whole town came out to wave them past.  The children on the floats had a lovely time and the local park was given over to stalls, bouncing castles, trampolines etc.  Altogether it was a great, successful day. Sunday we went  to Bognor Regis, a fairly large seaside town.  The roads were closed because it was carnival day so we parked the car and went to have a look.  Leading the parade was a marching band, followed by a truck with some indeterminate theme on it.  Then came some men on tandems dressed in World War I uniforms, another truck, a giant yellow thing, a St John's ambulance and a fire engine.  The most pathetic carnival parade I have ever seen.   So come on Bognor, you can do better than that, instead  of proving that the UK s...

A carpenter has been told not to sweep his floor with a broom anymore because of health and safety.  He, quite sensibly, has refused to take any notice.  The health and safety regulations have hit the level of ludicrous.  In Europe they sit round a table thinking up the most pathetic reasons why people can't do anything.  The French are leading lights in this process but I have yet to see a French person or business actually adhere to them.  The disciplined British look at a new regulation and immediately implement it, the French look at it, decide it is stupid and ignore it.  Soon British children will be completely wrapped in so much cotton wool that we will be raising a generation of wimps, if we haven't done it already. Will our Brexit suffering be over soon?  I am beginning to not care whether we stay in the EU or not, even though the outcome could change my situation quite dramatically, especially if we leave with no deal.   Will any...

With a few days off from babysitting I drove south to see my youngest son and one of my sisters.  My sister and I decided to go to the Isle of Wight for the day and visit Osborne House.  The price to go in was £20.50, an enormous amount.  I told the cashier that we were reeling from the price and she said there are 250 acres of grounds as well as the house.  'Are we expected to walk round all of it?' my sister asked sarcastically and all she got was a filthy look.  'We are old,' I said,  'does that give us a discount?'  'For the over 65s there is, £4 off.'  We paid up. My sister is quite confusing to work out politically.  On the one hand she reads the Daily Mail and votes for Nigel Farage and on the other hand she thinks it is obscene for people to own big houses and have lots of money; money should be distributed equally among everyone.  Communism? Trump thinks it is alright to let Russia help him win the election and still the Re...

Looking after a  3 year old doesn't leave me much time.  Add the shopping, the washing and the cooking and I have barely been able to keep up with the news.  This morning I heard on the radio that the Tories would whittle the candidates down to 2 and then the Tory membership would vote for the next Prime Minister. I asked my son why the membership can't vote for 3 or 4 candidates.  He (an anti Tory) had the temerity to say that the membership are all old and are probably incapable of choosing from more than 2.  Well into his forties he is no spring chicken and I am one of those old people,  although not a member of the Conservative party.  I was tempted to down tools. Apparently there will be a televised debate between the candidates.  Why?  No-one can vote apart from the 150,000 members so why inflict it on the rest of the population? Trump seems to be digging a nice big hole in which to throw himself .  He has now said that if ...

On Tuesday I was on my way back to the UK to do babysitting duty.  At 6.00pm French time,  I went to the cafe on the ferry to get a cup of tea.  I was travelling on the 'no frills' route, which means cheaper and no posh restaurant or cinema.    There was a long queue in the cafe so I went to the bar to buy the tea, returning to the cafe to drink it.  The queue was even longer and hadn't seemed to have moved.  The cross channel ferries have mainly British people travelling on them and the British like to eat dinner early in the evening but Brittany Ferries is a French company and  the French like to eat their main meal at lunchtime.  But hang the customers, it is the French workers that must take priority.  Hence the notice on the counter saying ''no hot food between 6.00pm and 7.00pm'' French time.  Sorry Brits keep your screaming, hungry kids quiet for an hour. When I got to passport control in Portsmouth, the official looked in...

It was hot today when I set off to play tennis so I reluctantly got my shorts out.  They are not at the height of fashion as I bought them 35 years ago, and they certainly can't compete with the teeny weeny skirts that the French wear, but needs must and at my age there is no point in being vain.  Even so my legs have seen better days and  one leg has developed wonderful veins since my knee replacement in 2004.  I consoled myself with the fact that no-one would notice my legs, being too busy playing tennis. We were an international foursome, a Suede, an American, a Frenchman and myself.  In addition, the American had brought with her a friend from California,  a tennis debutante who was watching us play.  At the change over the American player remarked to her friend how fast I could cover the court, especially as I had an artificial knee.  I should have been pleased by the compliment but instead I stood in my shorts while Swedish, French and Am...

They deserve each other.  They are both womanisers, they lie, they are delusional, need I go on.  The main difference is intelligence.  Trump, despite telling the world that he is a genius is in fact an idiot.  Johnson is a buffoon,  which makes him an idiot, but he is a clever idiot. Don't get me on Gove, who supports anyone or anything that is going to further his career.  Sycophant comes to mind. When you consider who is running the world these days I despair, Putin, Trump, Maduro, Netanahyo,  (deliberate spelling mistake), Kim Jung Un, Xi.  Ad infinitum.  I am reluctant to point out that they are all men after May made such a pig's ear over brexit but well they are. Has anyone noticed that men can't put a duvet cover on?  They do tend to brag about their ability to put things together but they can't seem to get the concept of duvet covers.  Maybe that should be the test before we make them world leaders.  

Yesterday I left the house at 7.00am and returned at 7.30pm.  A long day.   Our tennis club was participating in a tournament involving 5 other clubs.  In the morning I won my two matches.  My teammates (all French) lost theirs.  It was a hot day and there was no shade so we were glad to stop for a bite to eat.  The organisers brought round orange juice and rose wine.  I declined both, sticking to water.  I can't play tennis after drinking wine, even more so in the heat.  My teammates all took the wine, laughing at me for being so abstemious.  I glanced around and noticed that the other teams were drinking wine as well. An hour later we re-commenced our matches.  I lost my match and all my teammates won.  Did I miss out on a good glass of wine for nothing? I notice that many people in the UK didn't get to have a vote in the European elections.  In France, the Brits are complaining that their voting slips didn't a...

I have just arrived back in France after babysitting for 10 days.  Before I left my daughter in law suggested that I put cayenne pepper by the front door to stop the ants coming in during my absence.  It works!  In ten days the roses have all come out (not in my garden - I only grow weeds)  and the cuckoo is still cuckooing.   The traffic on my road is still breaking the 50km limit and I am going to start a petition as letters to the Maire do not work. Theresa May has finally stepped down and although the British may think it has been a long time coming, it is still a lot quicker and easier to get rid of a British Prime Minister than to get rid of Trump, who has thrown his toys out of his pram and said I won't talk to you anymore unless you stop being horrible to me.  Pathetic. I rode my bike to the village this morning and was stopped by a man walking his dog.  He said he was new in the area and wanted to know where the path went.  Am...

I am baby sitting in the UK this week so no time for the wicked.  How many people are familiar with that phrase?  I went to post my daughter-in-law's voting slip trailing a 3 year old with me of course.   I  stopped a woman with 2 young children and asked where the nearest pillar box was. She looked at my grandson and then at me with an alarmed look on her face and said, "lost, how is he lost?" 'He' waved the voting slip cheerfully while I said 'no he isn't lost, I'm looking for a pillar box.'  The woman stared at me madly, grabbed the children and rushed off. I went into a newsagent's and asked where the nearest pillar box was. 'In the church, that's where they always put them.'  'In the church? 'I queried, not quite believing what I was hearing.  'Yes love, but you have the wrong day,  next week is polling day.'  I left the shop and wandered down the street.  I asked a man who was washing his car.  At his puzzle...

In February and March the weather was lovely.  Lots of sun, no rain and high temperatures.  In May, when my family came to visit it was cold, rainy and cloudy.  It was fun though with laughter all the way to La Rochelle and Puy de Fou, which never fails to delight.  The female visitors were saying that they needed to lose some weight and were thinking of taking up skipping, even having a go in my courtyard before collapsing into a heap.  Ten minutes later they were in the car sharing out chocolate.  Difficult to lose weight using that strategy.  One evening when it was particularly gloomy I lit the candles.  One visitor remarked that you can now buy remote candles.  'What's that?' I asked mystified.  They have a special lighting system so you can sit on the sofa and click on them like a television remote apparently.  Yet another weight losing avoidance dodge. I took them to the Troglodyte village.  Gregorian music was playin...

Apparently today is Naked Gardening Day.  Really?  Even if you have a non-exposed garden you would certainly have an exposed body to prickles, insects, thorns and a million other things that can get you in a garden.   I don't know what the weather is like elsewhere but where I live it is fairly cool with black clouds overhead threatening rain.  I don't like gardening at the best of times and certainly not naked today.  Nudity is great but why would anyone in their right mind want to do the gardening in such a state? Yesterday I had to go and buy another machine to powerwash the courtyard as the other one was kaput.  It took me 2 hours to figure out how to put it together and another 4 hours powerwashing.  I can't seem to do the job without covering myself in water and dirt so I had donned my golfing waterproof trousers and jacket and wellington boots.  I still ended up with dirt all over my face and in my hair but that wasn't the worst of ...

It is clear that in the US there is too much power in the hands of the President.  The Attorney General, who is the Attorney for the people, not the President, seems to have forgotten that.  Yesterday he brought a whole new meaning to the word 'obfuscate' as he ducked and dived every question put to him, at times providing answers that were totally bewildering or pretending not to remember or even worse seeming not to understand the question. I went into the kitchen to get some lunch when I spotted out of the window my neighbour's huge Alaskan type dog standing in the middle of the road.  For a split second I thought of leaving him there as a new type of traffic calming measure.   I went out and tried to push him on to the sidewalk but with no collar and the sheer size and weight of him I could not budge him but was left to simply wave to the traffic to slow down.  He was filthy, obviously having found a nice, muddy ditch to roll around in.   I...

I decided that today I would powerwash the courtyard, not a pleasant job. I always get covered in mud and soaked so in preparation I donned waterproof trousers, wellington boots and an old t shirt.   I dragged the machine out, swept all the leaves and rubbish and connected the hose.  It wouldn't connect so I deduced that it was rusty and the connection needed replacing.  Ah, I thought, I have a spare in the kitchen drawer.  An hour later I was still trying to fit it.  No matter what I did I couldn't tighten it enough and so the water came out of the connection instead of running inside the hose.  What I needed was a man with big strong hands.  There is never one around when you need one.  I kept battling but to no avail.  My neighbour comes homes for lunch at 12, I will collar him.  He owes me big time after leaving my freezers unplugged.  12 came and went and there was no sign of him.  Typical.  This was proving wha...

Decades ago everyone was told not to use the term 'coloured people' because it was deemed to be offensive.  We all had to say 'black people'.  This lasted a few decades until people who were not black objected.  Now apparently it is right to say 'people of colour'.  So tell me, linguistically,  what is the difference? I am  back on form with the tennis.  I won yesterday and this morning.  Yippee. MPs are back in the Commons.  Have you noticed any difference? Last year when I did my tax return I was called into the tax office where the manager used her big red pen to indicate that I had put all the figures against the wrong codes.  My excuse was that I had been away in India and only had a day to complete the forms, so I didn't read the accompanying notes.  This year I went to the tax office to verify I hadn't made any errors and was told that it was correct but I should have done it on-line, paper ones are not acceptable....

A few days ago Trump said Mueller was an honourable man.  Yesterday he called the report crazy and called all the witnesses, who gave evidence under oath with the risk of going to jail, liars, traitors and much more.  Sarah Sanders, the Press Secretary, said her words about the FBI and Comey were a slip of the tongue.  The fact that it slipped multiple times over the course of several days seemed to escape her.  On the Today programme they interviewed Popodopolis who had been jailed for lying to Mueller.  When he was asked why he lied he said he hadn't,  he had simply misremembered something. Meanwhile amongst all that chaos, Trump telephoned the General who is trying to take over Libya from the UN backed government and promised his full support.  This was just after Putin had done the same thing.  This snippet of news, foreign policy (what policy?) gone mad, was buried underneath everything else that was going on this week.  Speak up Euro...

Yesterday I went out with the walking group.  The good things were beautiful weather, warm and sunny and the route, which took us through the woods with the birds singing merrily.  The bad thing was that we then went to a restaurant and ate an enormous lunch, undoing all our good intentions of getting exercise.  The good thing was that the company was interesting and friendly. When I got home I turned on CNN  because the Mueller report was out.  The bad thing was that there was nothing definitive that would immediately oust the worst President in US history.  The good thing was that he wasn't let off the hook and he did not come out smelling of roses.  Not that that will make any difference to his followers, nor it seems to the Republican party who know they have the most stupid, dangerous leader ever but are so keen to cling to their jobs they follow  him blindly. An immediate poll had the majority of voters wanting to move on rather than pu...

How sad it was to see yet another ancient building go up in flames.  I don't know what the cause of the Notre Dame devastation was but it is interesting that when these old buildings are being renovated they catch fire - Glasgow, Windsor Castle.  Of course Trump had to weigh in with his advice.  Is there anything on which he is not an expert?  We can survive Notre Dame and see it renovated but can the world survive even another year of Trump let alone 4 years? Yesterday I did my duty at the tennis club, cooking and serving lunches to 10 to 12 year old players and their parents and coaches.  It was non-stop for nearly 4 hours and the washing up left my hands looking even more ancient than they normally do.  The professional at the club was helping with the cooking and a young man was helping to serve.  We made a good team but I am glad I don't have to do it the rest of the week. I heard on British radio that the cuckoo is disappearing.  Well n...

I went to a quiz last night.  I didn't know anyone but they were all British.  I was slotted in with a team so we numbered six.  The woman sitting opposite me had her dog with her.  'Do you have dogs?' she asked.  'No I don't' I replied.  'So you are a cat person.'  she said accusingly.  'I don't have any animals', I said trying not to sound defensive.  I might just as well as said I was a serial killer such was the look she gave me.  From that moment on I suffered.  If I offered an answer she said, 'Are you 100%  sure because if you aren't don't speak.'  The other people on the team tried to include me and be friendly but it was a losing battle so I gave up and contributed nothing.  I did know the word for the metal bits on the end of shoe laces but was told I was stupid and had a certain amount of satisfaction when I was proved right. I wondered up to the bar to buy a drink.  The woman in front of me bought ...

The bruises have not quite faded but I decided to get on my bike this morning and test the body out, and everything seems to be working fine - except my brain.  I decided to take a short cut to the little supermarket by following a path that goes along the river.  Coming to an unfamiliar crossroads I decided to cross straight over.  An hour later I was well and truly lost.  French country roads don't have signs so the sun has to be a guide and any familiar distant landmarks.  All I could see was fields and trees, no church spires or familiar farms and clouds covered any sign of the sun.  I spotted a farmer on his tractor (what would we do without them?) and asked where I was.  Ok wrong question so I asked where my village was.  He pointed down a track and said keep going, keep going and you will find it.  How far do you think it is?  Wrong question again.  Oh well I set off wondering if I would be home before sunset.  After ab...

I went to the doctor this morning to check whether my injuries were doing ok. 'Why didn't you come when you first did it?' he asked and sent me off to organise an x ray.  He also said he was looking forward to the UK leaving with no deal because we can go to war again and this time France would win because the UK government would be too chaotic to defeat anyone.  That would seem to be the case judging by the amount of losses in Parliament.  He put my health card into the machine and it didn't work.  'There you are, you have already been struck off,' he said cheerfully. I heard the cuckoo at the weekend as I walked in the warm sunshine.  The spring flowers are out, blossom is on the trees and all is good with the world.  Except the weather forecast this week is for a drastic drop in temperatures and snow. I went to the Mairie yesterday and asked if the garbage men were still on strike.  'I don't know', was the reply, 'put the garbage out and ...

As I understand it Parliament voted to take control of Brexit and then voted against their own 8 alternatives.  In the US the Mueller report was finished but no-one has seen it but the Attorney General who more or less declared Trump innocent of conspiracy and obstruction of justice.  The dictators of this world must be laughing themselves silly at how absurdly our democracies are functioning, or not functioning, not in any sensible and fair way anyway. Apparently the garbage men are on strike.  My neighbours and I didn't know this but after the bins sat outside for three days someone at the tennis club said the tip was closed as well due to strike action.  No-one seems to know how long the strike will last or what they are striking about and no-one seems that bothered about it either, which is normal in France. As my bruises turn to purple and my body gets stiffer I am contemplating whether I have any chance of winning my match on Saturday.  I doubt it but...

Yesterday I tried to play tennis but with a bruised hand I couldn't actually hold the racquet, a somewhat important requirement when playing tennis, so I gave up.  On the way back I dropped into the newly refurbished supermarket in the village. I selected six or seven items and put them on the counter.  The girl serving weighed the apples then went to the display to find out how much they were.  She returned and wrote the price on a piece of paper under the heading 'fruit' (well in French obviously).  The next item was a bag of onions.  Once again she trotted off to see how much they were and came back and wrote down the amount.  She did this with every item.  I glanced behind me and there was a queue of about six people, some of whom were workmen just wanting to buy their lunch.  When the assistant had laboriously repeated this searching, writing method for each item she picked up a calculator and added it up.  I wouldn't have been surpri...

Yesterday our tennis match took us south of Niort, an hour and a half drive away and it was my turn to drive.  I played my single's match and won but I had to play a double's match straight away.  It was in the second set when I was running backwards and looking up that my feet tangled round each other and I fell very heavily on my right side.  It hurt.  We were playing  outside on a hard court so there was nothing to cushion my fall.  I did what I always tell children to do when they fall over and started counting.  Un, deux, trois,....I had reached huit by the time the  other players had gathered round to see if I was alright and for a moment there I believe they thought I was delirious with my counting,  At ten I got up and said I was fine.  I lied of course, I hurt everywhere and blood was pouring from a cut elbow.  I continued playing but a few minutes later I hit myself rather spectacularly at the base of my nose with my ow...

Someone has just asked me if I can play in a tennis tournament on the 25 May.  I just about know what is happening on the 25th March, April is still in the future and May is another lifetime.  Today I did the re-organised walk from yesterday.  Everybody had an opinion on the direction we should be going but I managed to keep them on course until the last half hour.  'Turn left', I said authoritatively.  Four turned right, five went straight on and the rest looked bewildered.  No-one turned left.  The majority won.  I shouted that it was muddy down there (having squelched my way through it yesterday) and that we must turn left.  No wonder Napoleon lost.  They ignored me. It is amazing that members of a walking group turn up wearing trainers, casual shoes and even 'proper shoes'.  They all ploughed on and soon came up against wet and mud.  Was this a 'I told you so moment?'  No.  I listened to their ohs! and ahs! a...

I put on 2 kilos in weight while I was in the UK.  This is unusual for me as I don't normally put on any weight.  I mention it in passing because at the end of the week it will be a distant memory. On Sunday I had a tennis match for the club team.  I lost and although I have managed to keep my place in the 2nd team I suspect that next season I will be demoted to the 3rd.  On Tuesday I played 2 matches, one in the morning and one in the evening.  What idiot agrees to do that?  I lost the one in the morning, which I thought I would win and won the one in the evening, which I felt sure I would lose. On Monday I met up with friends to discuss the walk, which I am going to lead tomorrow.  They had planned the route but weren't able to do the actual walk.  After detailed explanations I suspected that they didn't really have confidence that I wouldn't lose 12 people in the French countryside.  I told them not to worry, I got it, but truthfully ...

I know people who dream of moving to a pretty village in France with character, ancient walls and customs, a cafe, a market and a peaceful river trickling through this idyllic scene and there are thousands of villages just like that.  Unfortunately my village has none of the above and has been described as the ugliest village in France. There is a river a kilometre away and it did flood last June racing across the fields and filling the street with about a foot of water so for one day at least you could say we had a river running through the village.  We did have a cafe/bar but that closed as did the butcher, the baker, the post office, and surprisingly the funeral parlour, and even when they were open the setting was pretty dire.  Even the church caught fire and has remained closed for 2 or 3 years.  There is a supermarket, which stocks out of date goods, fly covered fruit and pretty awful bottles of wine run by a lady who just wants to sell it and retire somewhe...

My sisters, 3 of them, and I are like chalk and cheese but when we get together we laugh a lot.  We all see the funny side of the ridiculous and we take the mickey out of each other, in fact we are merciless.   Our politics are diverse, in fact so diverse that we need an umpire but then we put the kettle on and agree to disagree, and go back to laughing, no political correctness where we are concerned.  Last week I picked up one sister in Hampshire, drove to Cardiff to pick up another sister and then I drove all the way to Cornwall to visit our eldest sister who hasn't been well.  Not having the stamina to stay in the crazy hotel near our sister's house, I had booked us into another one, more remote.  As the lanes became narrower and all road signs disappeared a voice from the back of the car said (as though I wasn't there) 'I hope she hasn't booked us into a caravan' at which point we passed a sign saying 'used caravans for sale'.   When we fina...