Mad Darby Diaries

 I am not a fan of our mayor and even less so since his most recent missive in which he implores everyone to keep their dogs under control so as not to cause accidents on the roads or frighten old ladies.  I have several problems with this.  First, his own dog is the biggest culprit, seen most days criss-crossing the road outside my house, forcing vehicles to halt or even worse, swerve.  Put your  own house in order Monsieur le Maire.   Secondly, why is it always 'old ladies' who may be frightened?  Don't men, young women or  could be 'people' get frightened?  Thirdly I would like to vote him out of office but, oh yes, because of Brexit I have had my vote taken away. In fact I have been disenfranchised everywhere.  I am not allowed to vote in the UK anymore, I have never been able to vote in the French national elections and now even my right to vote in the local elections has been taken away.  So the phrase, 'don't complain if...

Well I am having fun playing tennis, now my body has got used to playing again but I daresay it won't last as I see another lockdown on the horizon.  As I tackle 'experts' who are really just insurance assessors, holes in the walls and challenging problems that my poor son encounters in the UK, I find I have less time to follow the US election.  I do know that the Americans have made their election system so complicated, and in my view undemocratic, that they should devise a fairer one before the next President is voted in.  There is no uniform system across the country, each state having their own rules and even their own closing date for counting votes.  Then when all the votes are counted it doesn't matter one jot who the American people have chosen because the Electoral College takes over and decides who will win.  They constantly boast about being the greatest democracy in the world but really they haven't a clue. It is going to be a long winter for most of...

 My granddaughter sent a message round the family WhatsApp  challenging us to tell a story from the pictures, Emojis.  Needless to say I didn't even know what they represented but the others rose to the challenge and came up with a story that I didn't understand either.  Am I losing the plot?  Or are we losing the English language?  The word 'nuance' is now heard every other sentence when watching the news, politicians or anyone who thinks they know what they are talking about.  Rarely is it used in the right context.  Shops are now shuttered, whether they have shutters or not, because the word 'shutter' has replaced the verb 'to close' and don't get me started on 'uptick' rather than an increase.  It is not just the English language either which is being destroyed, the French tennis WhatsApp group contains so much slang, emojis etc that most of the time I haven't the faintest idea what they are talking about.  I am trying to write messa...

 I am in the middle of a nightmare as far as my house is concerned but the insurance is sending an 'expert'.  'An expert of what?' I asked but they didn't seem to understand the question.  Just an expert.  The visit will last 45 minutes and he or she will arrive at 3.53 in a week's time.  That is a very precise time.  I wonder if he or she will sit outside for a minute if arrival occurs at 3.52.  Anyway the expert will either have a simple solution to the problem or half my house will have to be torn down. To get away from all that I decided to go and play tennis, which I haven't done since January.  I was impressed at how I was hitting the ball, chasing down every shot and zipping around the court like a teenager.  I lost but not by much.  Today I can barely get up the stairs my legs are so stiff.  There are consequences to trying  to shave  50 years off your age. I had to answer questions before my cataract operation....

 If talking to oneself is the first sign of madness then I am truly past help.  I talk to myself all the time, I argue with the television, but best of all I can watch the tennis and scream, cheer, jump up and down, do whatever I like.  The first time I met my future in-laws was in 1966, the day of the World Cup.  I was invited to their house to watch the match as I didn't have a television in my bedsit.  I am not a huge football fan, although I had always shown a tepid loyalty towards Pompey, even though they were a pretty dismal team, but my future husband (I didn't know he was then of course) was a very keen Arsenal supporter so I felt obliged to show enthusiasm. All was well.  I met my in-laws, behaved myself, offered to wash dishes and generally gave the good impression I was aiming for.  We sat and watched the match, which seemed to go on for ever, and then there it was - a draw and finally penalties.  After 90 minutes or so it was suddenly ...

 If you leave dozens of messages on plumbers answer machines I suppose it is inevitable that eventually one would respond.  After a week with the water turned off 4 plumbers called in one day and one actually said he could come the next day.  I accepted, even though he was probably more expensive, and after two days of fishing around in my pipes, the leaks have stopped.  Hurray I can leave the house at last, instead of sitting by the phone in case it rings.  My sister said that I am now the master of quarantine, having been confined to the house yet again. I don't watch daytime television, in fact I don't watch television much at all but I do like films and sport.  This week was the French Open Tennis and I needed something to occupy myself while I sat by the silent phone.  If I didn't feel depressed about getting old already I certainly would if I looked at all the adverts playing during the day.  Cremation services, life insurance with cheerful ...

 They say that a week is a long time in politics but I know that a week with too much or no water is exhausting.  I have contacted 12 plumbers.  Not one answered their phones and not one has responded to my messages.  I had to turn the water off 5 days ago and just put it on long enough to fill jugs, wash and flush the toilet.  People give me telephone numbers of plumbers but no-one responds.  I still have four dirty great holes in the walls and ceiling because the plaster boarding can't be done until the leaks are fixed.  The UK has no functioning GPs, France has no plumbers. I didn't think Trump could get any worse but the most bizarre sight was seeing a highly contagious President driving along outside the hospital waving to his adoring fans, except even they looked a bit non-plussed.  I believe he has now joined the club of the crazy dictators.  Where are the men in the long, white coats coming to take him away, ha ha, to the funny farm?...

 After two days on the telephone to the insurance company they have told me that they cannot find a plumber.  Yesterday friends came, to give me their opinion and moral support.  Just before they left, one shouted out that he had found a big leak coming directly from the mains.  Today I started phoning the insurance company at 7.30am and in the meantime I have had to shut off the water completely.  Their last call said they couldn't find a plumber, I would have to find one myself.  Do they think I haven't tried?  If I was younger I would definitely train as a plumber. So now I have a leak with water coming through the  ceiling, which fell down, and another leak pouring into the downstairs bathroom.  I have shut off all the water and it looks as though I have days and days with this situation continuing.  So much for MAAF boasting that they can get you an emergency plumber in one hour. President Trump has refused to follow the science, so...