Mad Darby Diaries

My daughter in law is working overseas for 2 weeks, in fact she has been working for a month and so has left the care of my grandson to me.  I love looking after him and it poses no difficulties whatsoever.  The thing that does give me a problem is that I have been left in charge of plants.  I can kill a plant just by looking at it and my heart sinks when I see a well meaning guest approaching with a nice, healthy plant in their hands.  I know it will be dead before the week is out.  ' Just water them' are the instructions but that very order is fraught with dilemmas.  How often?  How much water?  When do I water them?  What about the plants in the greenhouse?  Did she say leave the door open or closed?  Why didn't I write the instructions down instead of simply nodding feeling slightly bored with the subject?  Children are easy to care for, plants a nightmare. My son's neighbour called round the other day to say she was goi...

A couple of weeks ago the local carnival in my son's very small town took place.  It was only the schools that took  part but there were lots of floats made by staff, parents and pupils and the whole town came out to wave them past.  The children on the floats had a lovely time and the local park was given over to stalls, bouncing castles, trampolines etc.  Altogether it was a great, successful day. Sunday we went  to Bognor Regis, a fairly large seaside town.  The roads were closed because it was carnival day so we parked the car and went to have a look.  Leading the parade was a marching band, followed by a truck with some indeterminate theme on it.  Then came some men on tandems dressed in World War I uniforms, another truck, a giant yellow thing, a St John's ambulance and a fire engine.  The most pathetic carnival parade I have ever seen.   So come on Bognor, you can do better than that, instead  of proving that the UK s...

A carpenter has been told not to sweep his floor with a broom anymore because of health and safety.  He, quite sensibly, has refused to take any notice.  The health and safety regulations have hit the level of ludicrous.  In Europe they sit round a table thinking up the most pathetic reasons why people can't do anything.  The French are leading lights in this process but I have yet to see a French person or business actually adhere to them.  The disciplined British look at a new regulation and immediately implement it, the French look at it, decide it is stupid and ignore it.  Soon British children will be completely wrapped in so much cotton wool that we will be raising a generation of wimps, if we haven't done it already. Will our Brexit suffering be over soon?  I am beginning to not care whether we stay in the EU or not, even though the outcome could change my situation quite dramatically, especially if we leave with no deal.   Will any...

With a few days off from babysitting I drove south to see my youngest son and one of my sisters.  My sister and I decided to go to the Isle of Wight for the day and visit Osborne House.  The price to go in was £20.50, an enormous amount.  I told the cashier that we were reeling from the price and she said there are 250 acres of grounds as well as the house.  'Are we expected to walk round all of it?' my sister asked sarcastically and all she got was a filthy look.  'We are old,' I said,  'does that give us a discount?'  'For the over 65s there is, £4 off.'  We paid up. My sister is quite confusing to work out politically.  On the one hand she reads the Daily Mail and votes for Nigel Farage and on the other hand she thinks it is obscene for people to own big houses and have lots of money; money should be distributed equally among everyone.  Communism? Trump thinks it is alright to let Russia help him win the election and still the Re...

Looking after a  3 year old doesn't leave me much time.  Add the shopping, the washing and the cooking and I have barely been able to keep up with the news.  This morning I heard on the radio that the Tories would whittle the candidates down to 2 and then the Tory membership would vote for the next Prime Minister. I asked my son why the membership can't vote for 3 or 4 candidates.  He (an anti Tory) had the temerity to say that the membership are all old and are probably incapable of choosing from more than 2.  Well into his forties he is no spring chicken and I am one of those old people,  although not a member of the Conservative party.  I was tempted to down tools. Apparently there will be a televised debate between the candidates.  Why?  No-one can vote apart from the 150,000 members so why inflict it on the rest of the population? Trump seems to be digging a nice big hole in which to throw himself .  He has now said that if ...

On Tuesday I was on my way back to the UK to do babysitting duty.  At 6.00pm French time,  I went to the cafe on the ferry to get a cup of tea.  I was travelling on the 'no frills' route, which means cheaper and no posh restaurant or cinema.    There was a long queue in the cafe so I went to the bar to buy the tea, returning to the cafe to drink it.  The queue was even longer and hadn't seemed to have moved.  The cross channel ferries have mainly British people travelling on them and the British like to eat dinner early in the evening but Brittany Ferries is a French company and  the French like to eat their main meal at lunchtime.  But hang the customers, it is the French workers that must take priority.  Hence the notice on the counter saying ''no hot food between 6.00pm and 7.00pm'' French time.  Sorry Brits keep your screaming, hungry kids quiet for an hour. When I got to passport control in Portsmouth, the official looked in...

It was hot today when I set off to play tennis so I reluctantly got my shorts out.  They are not at the height of fashion as I bought them 35 years ago, and they certainly can't compete with the teeny weeny skirts that the French wear, but needs must and at my age there is no point in being vain.  Even so my legs have seen better days and  one leg has developed wonderful veins since my knee replacement in 2004.  I consoled myself with the fact that no-one would notice my legs, being too busy playing tennis. We were an international foursome, a Suede, an American, a Frenchman and myself.  In addition, the American had brought with her a friend from California,  a tennis debutante who was watching us play.  At the change over the American player remarked to her friend how fast I could cover the court, especially as I had an artificial knee.  I should have been pleased by the compliment but instead I stood in my shorts while Swedish, French and Am...