Mad Darby Diaries

One of the pieces of plasterboard next to the kitchen was a bit rotten so I asked a plasterer to come and replace it.   2 hours later he left me with a door leaning against the bookcase, 2 great big holes in the wall and another hole in the kitchen wall, which he had no business touching.  Meanwhile the hole in the ceiling above the front door still stares at me every morning and I now know there is a leak somewhere.  I am trying to discover where before the plumber comes and starts ripping up things unnecessarily.  On Thursday I have made an appointment to see the insurer but I am not hopeful as Insurance companies are notoriously reluctant to pay out - ever, but I shall try to explain why I have 2 separate problems, both involving holes, in French. As I was surveying the damage left by the workman the  doorbell rang.  A man stood there holding out his card and explaining that he was an estate agent and would like to sell my house.  I would like ...

 I hate wearing masks as I am sure everybody else, but the rules are rules and the science backs it up so I do as I am told, rare for me.   I don't know how many people I have seen wearing a mask, either round the chin or covering the mouth and not the nose.  What good is that?  Even in the hospital the other day one of the patients was wearing a mask over his mouth only and none of the staff told him to wear it properly. I, like many others, have a problem with steaming up glasses, so much so that when I went to see about my cataracts I quite expected the ophthalmologist to  say I don't have them at all, just too much steam. My sister, who is deaf, has a special gizmo under her pillow which flashes if the smoke alarm goes off.  The other night it was flashing non-stop, even though there was no fire in her apartment.  In desperation she called the fire department and asked them what she could do to turn it off.  Within minutes a fire engine a...

 Yesterday I went to the Ophthalmologist to see about my cataracts.  In the UK you can't even see a GP.  In France I saw 4 people, went in 4 different rooms, each with different pieces of equipment and had at least 4 lots of drops put in my eyes.  They love their drops.  At one point I was given drops, told to sit in the corridor and then as someone was passing she whipped a bottle of drops out of her pocket, told me to look at the ceiling and put a few more in.  Some of them actually went in my eyes. After 2 hours of constant attention the Ophthalmologist declared that I needed to have my cataracts done.  With no messing about, forms were produced, dates agreed, a letter sent to my GP and payment made.  Yes in France we have to pay.  Right at the last minute, with me as blind as a bat because of all the drops in my eyes, a form was placed in front of me and I was told to complete it.  You have to be kidding!  I asked someone to dir...

 After 6 months of talking to myself I decided to go to the UK for a month.  I booked my ferry and a few days later the Prime Minister imposed quarantine so for the first two weeks I had to stay inside my son's house.  I am not a sedentary person so on day 2 I left the house at 5.30am, just before sunrise and walked briskly to the seafront.  Nobody would be checking up on me at dawn surely, but I was surprised to see that quite a few people go out at 5.30am and I am  assuming they were not all escaping quarantine.  During my two weeks imprisonment I vacuumed, lots, cut down rogue trees, removed blackberry bushes, sorted out their files, getting rid of several years of stuff and .... When I was finally free I managed to see other members of my family, including my 4 year old grandson.  I was explaining  to him why I couldn't visit before when he said, 'I am going to tell the government to stop quarantine, then I am going  to throw them all in ...

I spend 6 months on my own and finally decide to book a ferry to the UK to see my family and what does Johnson do?  Imposes quarantine to take affect 3 days before I leave.  So now I am going to be imprisoned in my son's house for 2 weeks and won't be able to even go out for walk.  Me without exercise is the greatest punishment so I will have to invent some.  Will my aversion to housework have to be overcome?  Shall I run round and round the lavender bush until I am dizzy or just simply climb up and down the walls.  Whatsmore the spare bedroom, which is soon to be my cell, has a 2ft 6in bed, which is uncomfortable and has a mattress that my daughter in law slept on as a child.  It is her childhood bed.  I spent 2 years sleeping on my son's 2 seater settee, which actually is preferable.  When I suggest that maybe my children should be looking after me in my old age they have developed a pretty impressive Gallic shrug and a smile that tells me...

In May I decided to sell the house.  Ok the garden is a jungle but the neighbours would like to buy it anyway, if buyers for the house don't want it.  Well who would?  Anyway the house was in pretty good condition.  Weeks went by and then the Estate Agent contacted to say that someone wants to view the house on Saturday (tomorrow now).  Between that call  and tomorrow what are the odds that I walk through the front door and the ceiling  falls on my head,  I mean what are the odds?  The house is 150 years old.  If it can wait that long why not just a few more weeks?  Anyway, apart from taking a direct hit on my head, I now have a gaping hole in the ceiling.  Has anyone tried to get a workman in France in August?  Well if you haven't, don't bother.  I told my sons but they seemed more concerned about the hole in the ceiling than about heavy lumps  of plaster falling on their mother's head.  I wonder if daught...

If Boris Johnson went on television and endorsed a crackpot doctor who believed that reptiles ran the government (ok I know some  of you do believe that) and pregnancy was caused by witches and aliens, he would be taken away in a long white coat but Trump goes on television and does just that and the Republicans stay silent.   Whats more Mike Pence invites crackpot doctor supporters (also doctors) to the White House to discuss their ideas.  Even more unbelievable is that all these doctors, including crackpot number one, are apparently genuine doctors, out there in the community practising their wild theories on their patients.  Why oh why doesn't  someone just lock him up and throw away the key? I noticed that one side of my mask has a tendency to fall off.  I studied the problem in the mirror and discovered much to my consternation that my left ear sticks out more than the right and therefore doesn't hold the elastic so easily.  I have had the...