Mad Darby Diaries

If Boris Johnson went on television and endorsed a crackpot doctor who believed that reptiles ran the government (ok I know some  of you do believe that) and pregnancy was caused by witches and aliens, he would be taken away in a long white coat but Trump goes on television and does just that and the Republicans stay silent.   Whats more Mike Pence invites crackpot doctor supporters (also doctors) to the White House to discuss their ideas.  Even more unbelievable is that all these doctors, including crackpot number one, are apparently genuine doctors, out there in the community practising their wild theories on their patients.  Why oh why doesn't  someone just lock him up and throw away the key? I noticed that one side of my mask has a tendency to fall off.  I studied the problem in the mirror and discovered much to my consternation that my left ear sticks out more than the right and therefore doesn't hold the elastic so easily.  I have had the...

I haven't played golf for about 7 years so it was with some trepidation and anticipation of humiliation that I set off from the first tee.  Amazingly, the ball didn't go in the rough, the trees, a bunker or out of bounds, it went straight down the fairway.  I did a few duff shots later but I didn't lose any balls, or go in any water and only one bunker so, having assumed I would be a disaster it didn't turn out too badly, which goes to show that all these people playing earnestly two or three times a week hoping to reduce their handicap, are wasting their time.  All you  have to do is play once every 7 years. The chimney sweep came this morning, not wearing a mask, which is the regulation for any worker entering a client's house.  However, bizarrely La Rochelle is making everyone wear a mask when they are outside.  Americans love conspiracy theories and these are some I have heard recently.  Wearing masks is a plot to convert us all to Islam....

Where have all the orators go?  Trump can't string a sentence together and then repeats himself just to reinforce the rubbish he has just spouted, Boris Johnson hesitates six times in every sentence and reminds me of Billy Bunter with a bad hair cut,  Macron at least looks at the camera but he has no oomph when he speaks, even though what he is saying makes more sense than Boris and Trump.  Where are the speakers that get  your attention, talk intelligently with an easy flow of words, grammatically correct and devoid of acronyms and gobbledegook? New people have moved in along the street and their son has one of those really noisy, annoying motor bikes.  He has been scooting up and down the street all week, revving up and increasing the noise volume.  On Saturday Marie Jo came back from her son's house where she does child care during the week.  The bike had done several passes when Marie Jo came  out of her house and stood squarely in the midd...

I watched the film 'Shirley Valentine' the other night.   I watched her and the others lugging heavy suitcases and I remembered doing the exact same thing, only there were more of them because I had children and I lived in other countries so travelled a great deal.  In 1969 Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.  In 1970 we moved  to New York with a five month old and a one year old and lots of luggage.  So why did we all wait decades before someone thought of putting wheels on the suitcases? I asked my 4 year old grandson if he had been eating his broccoli and he said what most children say,  'I don't like it'.  I said it was like the Dr Seuss book, Green Eggs and Ham and that if he tried it he would probably like it.  Kids are smart these days, or wily, and he said that he would eat broccoli if I ate chocolate.  Now I hate chocolate and all things sweet, even the smell of chocolate puts me off, but I remember seeing in the supermarket L...

I have a large cafetiere, which I half fill when making coffee for one.  It is still quite a lot of liquid even half full, to which I can testify.   Having poured the boiling water into the cafetiere I carefully put the lid and plunger  on the top, which turns out was a waste of time.  I lifted the cafetiere up to carry it over to the table when the bottom fell out.  Why I do not know, it is made of glass.  There was coffee all over the floor mixed with broken glass, there was coffee on all the cupboard doors, the table, the cooker and my own clothes were drenched and brown.  Why didn't it break on the cupboard where less damage would have been done, or even better over the sink?  Why was I wearing white and why was I in bare feet? I went to Lidl's to do some shopping.  Everyone was wearing a mask except for one tall gentleman, who was soon encircled by outraged women demanding to know why he was not wearing one.  He looked nonpl...

The weeds in my garden are taller than I am, and I am 5ft 8in.  With no visiting sons and grandsons this year, who usually clear it, it has become a wilderness.  Rather  like Trump is ignoring the coronavirus or anything that is vaguely important for that matter, I happily ignore my garden.  The difference is that in the end I get a guilty conscience, something Trump will never have, which finally forces me to face reality.  Are my weeds invading the neighbours' land, are they choking the fruit trees and is it a blot on the landscape?  The answer to all those questions is a resounding 'yes' so I venture up and try to tackle it.  All I have is a pair of shears so I am on a loss leader from the start, but I am determined.  After 2 hours I am hot and sweaty, covered in sticky things which cling to my clothes and my arms are covered in a rash, even though I am wearing long sleeves.   The garden?  That looks much the same. I sent mess...

What is in the mind of someone who applies to go on a quiz programme?  Is it that they are confident that they know the answers?  Or if there is money to be won, maybe that is all they think about, but surely they also know that in order to win the money they actually do have to answer the questions correctly.  I watched half a quiz programme the other evening.  I had to turn it off half way through it was so pathetic. Examples from that programme: When asked what vegetable had the same name as something in the body, the young man didn't know the answer.  When told that it was marrow, he said he didn't know marrow was a vegetable. Which continent is Singapore in?  The middle aged lady replied 'Europe'. The South Downs runs through Sussex and which other county?  An older gentleman replied 'Manchester'. A young lady thought that the river Avon ran through Norfolk. It is scary what people don't know and they were all ages so you can't say th...

I was just going out on my bike to the village shop when the army started rolling by - tanks, jeeps, gun carriers and other assorted  vehicles.   I waited for them all to pass before venturing out into the road.  By  the time I got to the village, the vehicles had blocked all the streets.  Not surprising really as one tank fills both sides of a road.  Cars and trucks were beginning to fill the roads behind and I did wonder whether the truck or the tank would have to back up.  I also wondered what they were doing there but not enough to stop myself weaving through the assorted vehicles to get to the shop.  The village shop has a five person rule , which was clearly being totally ignored as it was packed with army personnel -  buying bread.  Well  Napoleon did say 'an army marches on its stomach.'

My father could play the piano.  Not an unusual skill but he was deaf.  He lost his  hearing fighting in the army in India in the 30s so he was an adult when he lost it and therefore remembered tunes, even though he couldn't hear him.  However he didn't have the skill to learn anything new so  either you liked the old music or you didn't.  He used to say that he played by ear and then would roar with laughter.  He would have struggled in many ways with modern living but most of all during the pandemic, he would have lost his ability to communicate as he always lip read.  There must be thousands of people like him today who still rely on reading lips to understand,  in fact all of us do it to some extent, so please be patient if someone is struggling to communicate while you are wearing a mask. I went to the supermarket today and at the check out, the cashier asked me to move the trolley into a particular position.  As I manoeuvred it ...