Mad Darby Diaries

Was Film 4 having a laugh yesterday when they decided to show the film that we are living in real time?  Groundhog Day.  I am in week 4 and apart from the weather changing, every day is more or less the same.   The scary thing is that  it is beginning  to feel normal, and probably will be for at least another 3 months. Like everyone else I have to resort to do it yourself hair cutting.  I have horrible hair, thin, fine, brown streaked with grey and it is getting long so I will have to get the scissors out and have a go.  This enforced isolation should deal with any vanity people have as in a few months we will all emerge with spiky hair.  I have never coloured my hair but I know that many people, young and old, pay an extortionate amount of money to either cover up the grey or simply to go blond, green or whatever.  Will they let the colour grow out and just go back to being naturally grey or will they rush off to the supermarket and ...

The clocks go forward tomorrow and the cuckoo has arrived.  What a welcome sound and I promise I won't complain this year when it is still making that monotonous cuckoo, cuckoo in June.  Will we be out of our incarceration by then? People everywhere are trying to keep fit while being deprived of normal life.  Saturday and Sunday is definitely the time to dance around the house to  Gold's all time greatest hits.  Then there is skipping in the courtyard and walking.  To make my 1 km walk (all we are allowed) more energetic, I have taken to sprinting for about 50 paces, then walking and sprinting again.  I am not sure this is helping my ribs recover but I read somewhere that our hearts need to be exercised because they are muscle.  Suddenly there are fitness videos appearing everywhere, puzzle books, jigsaw puzzles and so on.  Well I have a maths puzzle book, which is so difficult in places that I feel like throwing it  at the wall....

I completed my new form issued by the government and went off to the village shop this morning.  There were three customers, all keeping their 2 metre distance, or nearly, it is a small shop, then in came a man with a shopping trolley.  I stepped away, he came closer.  I went to the apples, mostly bad, he followed me.  I went to the other end of the shop but there he was.  Eventually with my vegetables and fruit in my bag I went to the check out.  A man joined the short queue keeping his distance but the man with trolley joined in pushing himself between me and the other customer, who took two large steps backwards, while I took two steps forwards.  Unfortunately that meant I was too far away from the counter to pack my shopping and pay.  I did contemplate asking the server to toss me my goods and I could try to catch them in my bag,  but I reluctantly moved back one step.  No-one had spoken, not one word, not even a 'bonjour'.  Pe...

Well probably not but I am sure we are doing our best under the circumstances.  Yesterday was Mother's Day in the UK so all my sons contacted me by Skype.  One sent flowers, which I didn't get, presumably because all the shops are closed in France, but the thought was there.  I was clearing out a cupboard (yes desperate times need desperate actions) and I found my skipping  rope.  Not great for the ribs but I don't care, it is a good exercise and I would encourage you all to try it.  Alternatively keep dancing with the doorknob.  If you are as old as me you will know what I mean. My American friends, who winter in Florida, sent me an email to say they are enjoying their self-isolation as they can barbecue and swim in their pool everyday.  I don't know why some people have to suffer so much.

I woke up yesterday trying to figure out what day it was.  The monotony of this life is blurring one day into another.    In the end I gave up, it doesn't make any difference.  I spent three years living in the desert with no radio, papers, television, post or telephone but I had the children and I went to work every day.  New restrictions mean I can no longer ride my bike,  they are worried that people will fall off and block hospital beds.  We are only allowed  to walk 1.5km from our homes.  I  have got around that one because the shop is 2.5 km away, 5km round trip.  Anyway I live in the country.  Who is going to  notice?  My son said that if I am stopped by the police I should just say that I am old and can't remember where I live.   Then  the men in white coats would come and carry me off. One of my greatest pleasures has always been following world news, especially politics but there is no news...

So it is now 11 days in isolation  and there are compensations.  Nature is continuing to thrive.  Birds are nesting, woodpeckers are pecking, bees are buzzing and even butterflies are out and about.  No sign of the cuckoo though.  Another bonus is that the traffic has virtually stopped. Here in France we now have to carry a signed form declaring that one is going to work, a food shop, pharmacy or solo exercise (walking that is).  Failure to declare or go anywhere else is punishable by a fine.  Brings back memories of living in eastern Europe all those years ago.  Roadblocks have been set up and police have been mobilised.  Of course I haven't seen any officer of the law in these parts since I moved here but I shall sign my form and carry it with me when I go for my daily walk. Unlike many villages in France, our village has a shop, which is a life line.  No-one is panic buying,  you wouldn't dare, and I can buy fresh vegetables...

I woke this morning to the two lots of neighbours, who live opposite me, yelling at each other.  Now Marie-Jo does tend to talk in a very animated fashion and Jean-Pierre does try to ignore her but this was different.  Marie-Jo was clearly angry, pointing up at the roof and gesticulating wildly.  I have no idea what she was saying because the windows were closed but fury has no etc.   Jean Pierre, faced with this furious neighbour was still trying to ignore her, or maybe just trying to  keep the mandatory virus distance of 2 metres but that was never going to work.  She followed him to his car but not before she picked up her broom and threatened him with it.  The French can be very excitable and at least it was only a broom.  The last time I witnessed a neighbourly fallout was when Monsieur Toutee threatened Jean-Pierre with his gun.  Jean-Pierre can be annoying, like when he left my fridge and freezers unplugged while I was in  S...

I watched Trump, Johnson and Macron talk to their nations and by far the worse of course was Trump.  I am not a fan of Johnson but at least he had the experts explain the situation and give guidance.  Macron announced that all educational establishments would be closed from Monday for an indefinite period.  He also said that all people over 70 must stay in their homes.  In my logic I see at least three problems with this.  One is that all people over 70 will not catch coronavirus but will die of starvation, lack of exercise and neglect.  Two, most parents who work rely on grandparents to look after their children so  suddenly all those old people are exposed.  Three,  hundreds of thousands of children are now running around loose in their communities, happily spreading the virus even further. How long will the Chief Medical Officer last in the States before Trump fires him.  Trump has blamed Europe, Obama, the Democrats, the Media and...

I am in self isolation, not because of the virus but because damaged ribs pretty much stop you from doing anything physical and anyone who knows me also knows that forced rest is not my cup of tea at all.  I decided to go out and walk a bit further each day and I think it does me good and even if it doesn't it makes me feel virtuous. So the virus is only killing off people like me, now officially termed elderly if you are over 60.  What happened to 60 being the new middle aged?  I remember watching a film years ago when I was in my 20's.  It was science fiction but fairly scary to watch as at the age of 30, you get annihilated.  Well they let us go on a bit longer now but clearly nature has decided that going on too long is a bad idea so it has carefully selected the upper ages, shall we say, to get rid of.  I can't actually complain about this, although I would rather not be one of them, because no-one wants to see children getting sick.  The way t...

I managed to fall over at my son's house, bruising my ribs so badly that I have suffered day and night since.  Two days after the fall I went in desperation to accident and emergency in Bognor Regis  where I had an x ray and was told I hadn't punctured my lung but that it was a very bad case of bruising of the ribs.  There is nothing you can do with damaged ribs apart from take painkillers but breathing is painful and don't get me on coughing or sneezing. I went to Sainsburys looking for paracetamol but they had sold out.  What?  I went to Tesco's.  Same story.  Three pharmacies later I still had no paracetamol but had managed to buy some Ibuprofen, one box left on the shelf.  Selfish people in the UK are panic buying,  hoarding, while others, like me, who are desperate for painkillers are left without.  Heavens knows how they would have managed in the war.  Snowflakes. Yesterday I took my damaged body and returned home to Fran...