Mad Darby Diaries

Christmas didn't quite turn out as planned.  My son slipped two discs and couldn't drive from Bulgaria and sadly we had to carry on without him, my daughter in law and granddaughter.  Skype is good but doesn't replace having your family in the house.  I went to pick up another son from Nantes and on the way back 2 of my tyres blew out.  I mean what are the chances?  It was dark, raining and when I phoned the insurance company she wanted to know my exact location.  In a village on the D957 doesn't hack it apparently.  'Can you locate yourself on your phone or a GPS?' she asked, oblivious to the fact that my GPS needed replacing years ago and can barely tell me that I live in France let alone direct a breakdown truck.  As for my phone well there my incompetence comes into play.  She said she would hold on while I locate myself on the phone.  I don't know how you do that.  I can 'locate myself' if I ring off first.  I gave up and...

Every year the post lady comes with her calendars and I dutifully buy one.  They are actually quite useful.  This year however something has changed.  On the page where the gaily coloured flags of the European Union are displayed, one is missing.  Did the La Poste have inside information about the election, were they eerily confidant that the UK would leave this year or is it that they can't wait to get rid of us?  Who knows?  The French love the British flag and you see it adorning t shirts, bags, luggage, even the backside of jeans, although that may have other connotations that have nothing to do with love. An old golfing friend sent an e mail asking for my new address.  She couldn't believe that I am still living in the same place even though several years have passed since I moved to this house.  Not that I haven't been tempted many times to just up sticks and b......... off.  This year I believe is the year, I just have to figure out...

People ask some really weird questions when you live on your own.  The conversation goes like this,  'Do you eat every day?'  'Of course, don't you?'  'Yes but I cook for two of us, it must be difficult to find the motivation to cook for yourself.'   Another is 'don't you find your house a bit big for you on your own?'  Well let's think about this.  Whether you are a single person or a couple you use the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, bathroom and bedroom.  (well most couples use one bedroom).  One woman said in response to this observation,  'Well my husband has a study as well.'  Oh heaven forbid if a woman has a study or an office.  A man was complaining about the cost of living.  'It is worse for us because we  pay for 2 people.'  Give me strength.  The chances are the household bills are the same, taxes are the same, heating is the same and YOU HAVE TWO INCOMES. I have been laid up w...

You pay a premium to sit in the seats by the emergency doors on planes, where there is a lot of legroom.  Hence, no-one pays, or hardly anyone, so the seats are invariably empty.  All the passengers were in their appropriate seats on Thursday when I flew Ryanair from the UK to Poitiers when the stewardess approached.  I was sitting in the aisle seat, a tall man occupied the middle seat and a small man had the window seat.  Our row was behind the emergency exit row which was empty. 'Would you gentlemen like to sit in the emergency row?' the stewardess asked.  'Yes' they said in chorus.  I stood up to let them out and found myself looking down on the heed of the small man.  'You didn't ask me'  I said to the stewardess.  'We ask the men because they are taller and have longer legs', she replied.  'But that's not true is it?' I said looking pointedly at the small man.  She shrugged her shoulders and walked away.  I sat back in ...