Mad Darby Diaries

When my grandfather was killed on the Kyber Pass he left behind many children, about 8 or 10, all boys except one girl.  He was only 43 when he died and several years later my grandmother married a Major in the British army and had four more children.  My father and all his siblings died decades ago so imagine our surprise when told that the last of the 4 half brothers and sisters has only just died at nearly 100 and her funeral is today.  My sister is going and she will meet two of the children (our half cousins?).  I vaguely remember them as the whole family had that slightly peculiar accent that the colonials in India had.  One cousin had lost her eye and wore a glass one that stared straight ahead.  She and her sister went to the States where she married a wealthy man and had the eye replaced with one that moves and apparently doesn't look false at all.  I have never quite discovered why I was born in Waterlooville when we didn't live anywhere n...

It is that time of year when I have people çome to stay.  On Thursday we went to Puy de Fou, which is a great day out.  For the journey there the gps took us on a mystery tour through small french villages and narrow country lanes. On the way back, and without changing any of the settings, it took the usual more direct route along wide dual carriageways.  This makes me wonder if machines are developing into wilful independent beings because they know they are more intelligent and that we have been lulled into a false sense  of thinking that we are in charge. The other visitors are the house martins who  sweep in, building nests under the eaves,  and leaving a mess, but clinging on to the walls until their young are ready to fly away. 

So who unplugged my freezers and fridge while I was away?  The mason says he never stepped foot inside the house.  My neighbour says the mason unplugged them to put his tools in.  Who to believe?  I am extremely disappointed in whoever did do it and doesn't have the moral fortitude to own up and it chips away at my faith in human nature and honesty. For the last 18 months I have been asking the prefecture to give me a carte de sejour permanente, which is an identity card and gives me the right to live in France.  Their answer is always 'non'.  My prefecture is in Niort, a two hour drive away so I asked if I could go to the one in Angers, which is 45 minutes away, but they said I must go to the prefecture in my  department.  Angers have been willingly granting carte de sejour to all the Brits who applied. I asked the Maire to intervene but they got the same answer 'non',  So I wrote to the Minister of the Interior and he replied with the ...

My garden isn't next to my house.  It is along the road, up a lane and across an overgrown path.  It is very large but I hate gardening and because I can't see it from the house it is a case of out of sight, out of mind.  It is at least 5 months since I went up there so I wasn't surprised to see that the triffids had once again taken over and had completely buried the lavender bushes, the fruit bushes and were desperately trying climb up the fruit trees. However on parting the triffids I was surprised to see that the lavender bushes were trying to survive and there were even blue flowers appearing on them.  Further over there were big, fat red strawberries just waiting to be eaten, if only I could get to them.  What a sorry sight but also encouraging that nature continues to attempt survival despite my best efforts to annihilate it.  I was impressed but not enough to plunge in and try to clear it.  The task is just to huge and I did cut the bushes b...

I have spent my years in France resisting the temptation to play tennis wearing short skirts, which barely cover your bottom  or figure hugging shorts that definitely don't.  Not a difficult decision for me.  It was hot the other day so we decided to play tennis on the outside courts, which are situated in a public park full of children, joggers, dog walkers etc.  My tennis partner arrived wearing cut offs and a tee shirt.    I turned to her to ask which end she wanted to play and she was standing there in her underwear.  I looked across at the two men playing on the adjacent court.  They waved, said bonjour, and didn't seem to notice I was standing next to someone in  tiny bikini pants and a very revealing bra.  I turned back as my tennis partner was putting on the smallest skirt you could wear without it being a handkerchief, and an even smaller crop top.  She might just as well as stayed in her underwear. I went into the ...

A few years ago I convinced the maire that we needed 50km signs in our hamlet.  They were duly installed and the only  person who does 50 is me.  Now Macron has decided to lower the speed limit on regular roads from 90 to 80 to cut the enormous road death tally. As I have never seen a policeman  or speed camera in this area I suppose that we will just have to trust the drivers to obey the law just like they obey the 50 signs. It is quiet though this week.  With 2 bank holidays in one week why bother going to work at all?   Even the schools decided it was a waste of time so abandoned opening this week.  It is quiet in the house too as Jean Pierre, my neighbour climbed up into the roof and fixed the noisy extractor fan.

There are 5 bank holidays this month.  No wonder the French economy is so dismal.  I have just thrown a bottle of white vinegar across the hall and steps outside to try to stem the invading army of ants.  They have resisted anything else I have in the house, which boasts that they will kill anything insect like.  To be fair they do kill, in their millions, as I have witnessed, vacuuming up the hoards of dead bodies, but they don't actually stop them coming in. I went out and looked in the bin.  No sign of maggots yet but this is day 3 and there are 3 more to go.  I am sending an email to the mason asking him to compensate me for the loss of a month's supply of goods in my freezer.  I could add starvation as all the shops are closed.  It is quiet though.

My return home has not been an auspicious one.  While I was away a wall had fallen down due to buckets of rain.  The insurance wouldn't pay because it fell down due to rain not wind.  Apparently they would pay if I contacted the French meteorological office and get proof that the wind was blowing at more than 100km an hour at the moment the wall fell down.  Really? Life is too  short and why do I pay insurance for anything when they never pay out.  So I asked my neighbour if he could organise a mason for me.  The wall was rebuilt and I signed away my savings to pay for it. The first thing I noticed when I opened the back door was the smell and what looked like blood running across the kitchen floor.  As there was not sign of a body and being a reasonably calm person, I looked for another explanation.  Some idiot had unplugged both freezers and the fridge!  Grabbing a garbage bag I emptied the freezers of all its contents, even throwin...

It is 2 days of farewell before I return to France. Sisters,  sons,  daughters in law and grandsons.  It won't be long until I see them again though.  yesterday I spent the day with my grandson in London. When we are together we run races, hide and seek, silly games and somersaults.   Is that why my grandson looked up at a  tall tree and said, 'when you grow up grandma you'll be able to climb that tree.'  Mm tempting

The bizarre stay at the pub continued.  Customers continue to help themselves,  no one pays and even when I offered £15, which I guessed would probably cover my dinner and wine, I  was given  £5 back.  The whole experience was hilarious and long may it last but economically it seems unlikely.  Today I am in Sussex,  tomorrow in London and on Sunday I return to France,  to strikes multiple May bank holidays, empty roads and peaceful Sundays.  The strikes will stop during July and August when the French go on holiday.  They need trains and pllanes  to get from a to b.

Are we losing British eccentricity? I am in Cornwall staying in a very old pub where nothing works,  customers help themselves to drinks and no one seems to pay.  If you ask what time dinner is the landlord replies 'whenever you want '. If you ask what is on the menu he says 'whatever you want '. The same four customers who were propping up the bar 2 years ago are still the only customers.  A woman came in and started canoodling with one of the customers.  'Are they an item?' my sister asked  innocently.  'He's gay' said a customer as he popped behind the bar to help himself to another pint of beer.  The woman started to discuss going away for a long weekend in a 6 berth caravan.  The landlord asked the gay man if he would be taking his mother,  with whom he lives apparently.  My sister and I were becoming more and more bemused  and confused.  From time to time a customer would go ouside to smoke a cigarette but after a few ...