Mad Darby Diaries

I played tennis this morning with Caroline, who is in her late forties so a lot younger than I am.  I told her about my 21 month old grandson who put a tennis ball in the tin then bending down to pick up the second ball the first ball fell out.  He had repeated this exercise for several minutes before my son and I put him out of his misery. We played 2 sets, winning one each.  While I started sweeping the court I noticed Caroline putting a ball in the tin then bending down to get the next one.  The first ball fell out. There doesn't seem to be much difference between toddlers and the middle aged. A friend phoned today to say that he had fallen out of bed and hurt his back.  As he has a king sized bed this would seem difficult to do, so I questioned him further. He said he was sitting on the bed putting on his shorts.  He put both legs in the same hole and didn't notice until he tried to stand up. We don't want to believe we are caricatures of our...

In typical French fashion my garden is not attached to the house.  It is along the road, up a lane and down a path and no matter how many times I shut the gate it is always open when I go there. This garden is about the size of Central Court at Wimbledon and is cultivated by the Triffids.  The Triffids, for those too young to have missed them, scared the hell out of me when I was a child listening to the play on the radio.  And now they are back, haunting me and growing a foot every day, menacing what should be a haven for bees and butterflies. I have tried many ways of taming this wilderness, the most successful being when I asked my neighbour if she would like to grow vegetables on it.  Marie-Jo tackled the garden with a vengeance and soon there were rows of vegetables and fruit bushes.  Then disaster struck.  Her selfish daughter in law ran off with another man so my neighbour went to look after her son and grandchildren.  Within days the Triff...

My family left yesterday and the house is quiet, too quiet.  The tell tale signs of living alone pervade the house.  I put something down and an hour later it is still there.  The kitchen is always clean. I talk to myself - and to the radio, and the television.  In fact I argue with them, which is fairly satisfying as they don't disagree. I don't close the bathroom door and I can go there in the night in the nude. The days have twice as many hours in them. I don't have an excuse not to do all that laundry and wash the floors. I have good memories of their visit and hopefully my daughter in law will send me some photos as once again I forgot to take any.

I kept driving until I reached the Costa del Sol in Spain.  As I was driving through Malaga I noticed a machine on the sidewalk.  Above the machine there was a large notice. 24 hour coffee                  tea          erotic sex

So escaping winter I decided to drive south and to keep driving until I reached warm sun. When I stop in hotels in France I do not get excited about the breakfast.  Continental breakfast means hard bread, cheese, ham or fruit if you are lucky and all charged at an extortionate  price.  Customer service generally is sadly lacking too with a seemingly inability to link customer service with profits. On my feedback form I rated services low.  The wifi didn't work, the toilet didn't flush, the printer in reception didn't work so no receipt etc. I received an e mail from the manager. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your stay in our hotel. 'It is true that several aspects of the hotel were not functioning during your visit.  Did you enjoy your breakfast?'

After a week without heating and the temperature outside and inside below zero, I decamped to a friend's house for 3 days. Day 1.  I was up early so made myself a cup of tea.  There was a little dish to put used tea bags so I took a teaspoon out of the drawer and put the teabag in the dish with the spoon.  Friend enters kitchen.  Conversation as follows. Friend: 'You have used the coffee spoon.' Me: 'I took it out of the drawer.' Friend: 'But it's  coffee spoon.' Me: 'It's a teaspoon' Confused, I changed the subject. Day 2.  There was already a spoon in the dish.  Aha that must be the coffee spoon, so I took a clean one from the drawer. Friend: 'You've used 2 spoons'. Me: 'No, I took one from the drawer.' Friend:  'How do I know which is today's spoon and which is yesterday's spoon?  And where is the coffee spoon.' Nonplussed I stayed silent while he chuntered on for 5 minutes about spoons. Day...

I volunteered in a French school yesterday.  The aim of the day was to engage French children in English conversation.  The children had questions written down which they had to ask in English.  They were aged between 12 and 16.  Faced with 2 pupils aged 15 I answered the first question clearly and simply but they didn't understand the answer.  A rapid conversation in French passed between them and they then asked me in French if I would write down the answer. 'If I write down the answer you won't learn anything,' I said in French.  They asked the teacher what to do. 'Of course you can write down the answers for them and they can study them  later'! Listening skills?  Speaking skills?  I give up